4th Grade Musings: November 16, 1992

To learn about the origin of my 4th Grade Musings series, go here. Spelling and punctuation have not been altered. Notes are my present self’s.

Thanksgiving day we were about to eat our dinner when all of a sudden our dinner started to dance! The turkey was dancing with the mashed potatos! the celary was dancing with the stuffing! The gravy was dancing with the pumpkin pie! My brother(1) turned on some rap music and the food went wild!(2) Then my sister(3) turned on this soft mushy music and the food started to kiss each other!(4) Then the food danced out of are house and got ran over!(5) So we called out for pizza. (It was pepparoni pizza.) Ever since that day we never never never ever ever ever had turkey. So now you have heard the most wakeyest Thanksgiving dinner story.(6)

(1) Not sure which one out of the three I have.

(2) 1990s rap music has that effect.

(3) Not sure which one out of the two I have.

(4) Ewwww! Gross!

(5) Wow, that was unexpected. Especially since I grew up on a quasi-dead end.

(6) You’re welcome.

4th Grade Musings: November 9, 1992

To learn about the origin of my 4th Grade Musings series, go here. Spelling and punctuation have not been altered. Notes are my present self’s.

Hi, my name is Theresa. I’m the wourld geius.(1) I invented the machine that makes stuff flaot instead of going down.(2) I got this idea from my head.(3) This is how it started.

I was really bored. I was thinking of what we learned in sciance class. We learned if there was no gravity everything would float! I said in my mind I’m going to take gravity away! I was so exsited I went crazy! First I dumped everything in the house into my work place, (I took every thing even pizza!). I worked on that thing day and night. Finally it was done! I put the magic fluid into my machine. I shot it out everything was foating! Everybody liked floating so I shot the stuff on the wourld.(4) Since then I became the wourld geius!(5)

 

(1) You know how Einstein didn’t wear socks, because they seemed unnecessary? That’s how I felt about spelling.

(2) Same with vocabulary. “Sinking” would have worked here, but why bother?

(3) Duh, because I’m a genius.

(4) This spelling just seems so European, don’t you think?

(5) Floating is so much more important than ending all wars or feeding the hungry children of the world anyway.

4th Grade Musings: November 2, 1992

To learn about the origin of my 4th Grade Musings series, go here. Spelling and punctuation have not been altered. Notes are my present self’s.

One day the most amazing thing happened instead of snowing(1) it rained dead bats! I went out side and bats were all over! I picked up about 99,999,999 bats!(2) Some were cute and fuzzy and yet there were ugly and rough bats. But as you may know I love bats. I was going to have the bats stuffed then I would hang them in my room.(3)

All of a sudden the bats stoped raining. The bats disapered. Then somebody shook me.

I found out I was only dreaming. But it would be nice to have all those bats.

Next time it rains bats it won’t be a dream and I’ll get to keep those bats.(4) Now you can see I love bats an bats love me.(5)

(1) I grew up in Alaska, of course.

(2) This marks the beginning of my fascination with the exclamation point!

(3) I wonder what my two sisters, with whom I shared a room, would have thought of this.

(4) I’m still waiting.

(5) This is completely untrue. Both parts.

4th Grade Musings: October 26, 1992

To learn about the origin of my 4th Grade Musings series, go here. Spelling and punctuation have not been altered. Notes are my present self’s.

One day Birdseye(1) went to the liebreay. He found a book that looked like a good book. He checked it out. It was called And…And…And…Vanished!

Then he went home and read the book. The first chapter was about a girl who was a spoiled brat. This girl wanted everything and if she didn’t get it she would scream. Nobody liked that. Well she wanted a space alien.(2) Nobody could get that. She would scream night and day.

After the first chapter Birdseye had some lunch. While eating Birdseye thought to himself.(3) He thought that he would finish the book tonight.

After lunch he started the book again. This chapter was about how the girl got her wish. An alien landed in her yard this alien took the girl away. This girl was so happy she didn’t care about her parents or anything. She didn’t write anybody.(4) One day this alien pushed her into space. So if you ever see a girl floating in space you’ll know who she is.(5)

(1) I have no clue who or what this is. Maybe we had some frozen veggies for dinner the night before?

(2) I blame my early obsession with aliens on the television show Unsolved Mysteries. My father didn’t start listening to Art Bell’s Coast to Coast AM radio show until later in my childhood.

(3) Don’t we all do this while eating?

(4) Because, if aliens exist, you’re darn tootin’ that it’s possible to send missives from outer space.

(5) Wonder what happened to Birdseye? He just kind of “And…And…And…Vanished!” from the end of the story. This ending, while it feels abrupt, is literary genius. Either that or I ran out of time.

4th Grade Musings: October 20, 1992

To learn about the origin of my 4th Grade Musings series, go here. Spelling and punctuation have not been altered. Notes are my present self’s.

This is a recipe that is called Lizard Skin Cookies.(1)

1 cup of sugar

500 pounds of lizard skin (2)

500 skinned lizards (3)

1 cup of water

2 sticks of butter

1 large bowl (4)

Put the cup of water in the bowl. Then put the cup of sugar in. Mix that till very thin. Then put the 2 sticks of butter in. Then put the eyeballs and the bloody parts of the 500 skined lizards in.(5) Then roll the dough into small balls. Pre heat the oven on 5000 degrees for 10 hours.(6) Mean while put the lizads skins over the raw cookies. Put the cookies in to the oven cook for 5 min.(7)

(1) It’s at this point that I’m beginning to think that if my parents had had fewer than 6 children, they may have sought counseling for me. Alas, when you’re 1 of 6 kids and born in the middle, a lot of things go under the radar.

(2) Pounds! POUNDS!

(3) Perhaps 1 lizard’s skin weighs 1 pound? Some complex math may be at work here.

(4) I’m going to say it probably needs to be a ginormous bowl.

(5) Oh goodness. At least I know if my kids end up writing this kind of stuff, it won’t be out of the ordinary, just genetic.

(6) Unbelievable, yet very thorough.

(7) Per the illustration, these are delicious cookies.